Dear Ted Cruz,
- gjarecke
- Nov 11, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 28, 2022
(Abridged version sent to T. Cruz via email on November 9, 2022)
Ted. Oh Ted, you Ted. You dope. I've emailed you about this before. Why do you insist on appearing in public where it's clearly inappropriate and downright dangerous to show up? Yankee Stadium was simply cringe-y (that guy asking you continually why you endorsed Trump when he said your wife was ugly was pretty good, though).
The Astros' parade: Ted, you're not remotely connected to the Astros. Why were you trying, as they say, to bask in their reflected glory? Especially when you attended an Astros' game in New York (you know, the time when people screamed "fuck you " at you and told you to leave town?) and you applauded when an Astros player struck out?
A painfully obvious ploy, no one bought it, and some people (beer can thrower) were insulted. On balance, I think that appearance did you much more harm than good.
You’ve been on shaky ground for years anyway (see your outrageous trip to Cancun, on which more later). Al Franken famously said that he hated you but that he liked you more than your other colleagues. Why must you continue to strive to be the most dislikeable person ever?
It says something awful about Texas that you keep being reelected. But we knew that. They also reelected Greg Abbott, one of the objectively worst human beings on record.
We had a guy like you in law school—I imagine every law school does: very conservative, geeky, overly formal, condescending, ultimately extremely annoying. But he’s grown up to be able to converse with adults. What happened to you?
Let’s not even discuss your awful tweets. You’re supposed to be really smart, but you walk into those Twitter wars with your eyes wide shut, and someone inevitably kicks you in the balls.
Not good optics, Ted. You keep making these mistakes. I asked in my last email why you keep tweeting and appearing where you shouldn’t and who is it who tells you it's a good idea.
Oh and Ted. You really ought to avoid anything having to do with Donald Trump. Your waffling on him early on is a really embarrassing thing. By the way, how do you stand lately, especially as he turned the mid-terms into a train wreck colliding with a shipwreck attacked by a bunch of really annoyed Ukrainians with antitank weapons?
It was a real wincer of a moment when you got in behind the January 6 boys. The only person to make you look more stupid was Josh Hawley, the “Senator” from “Missouri.” The shot of him raising his fist in solidarity with the Proud Boys and then the later video of him sprinting away from danger is such a hoot. I suppose we don’t have anything taped of you as you’re incapable of running. Or waddling.
Also, lose 20 pounds, please, if you’re going to insist on wearing anything other than a loose hoodie.
(Also, Stewart Rhodes, Josh Hawley, J.D. Vance, all Yale Law. How did you not go there? In any event, Yale is clearly the problem with this country. There was an article in the Washington Post today about how horribly Yale treats its students with mental health problems, which is easy to imagine. I've never met any sad Yalies, but every other one I’ve ever met has been insufferable. Burn it down.)
OK, Ted. Here's my offer: I will take on the job FOR FREE (not a concept known to you, of course) of telling you when you may appear somewhere and when you should shut the fuck up and stay home.
No going to Cancun this winter, Ted. That picture of you with your rolling bag and your too-tight tee-shirt were excruciatingly bad optics; even you got that, at least after the fact. And I'm not aware that you've thrown your daughters under the bus since then, so, lessons learned, good boy.
Everyone loves little girls, Ted. You wouldn’t know that unless someone told you. Lucky for you that your girls are young; if they got genes from your Goldman Sachs wife, look out. If I tried to do something like that to Kate, the next and last things I’d hear would be bus tires squashing over my head. Which is as it should be, so please wait four or five years and then try it again. Photographic evidence suggests that they hate you anyway. Remember some years back when you tried to hug them and they turned away?
My advice will generally be to stay home, lock the door, and don't answer the phone. You act like a moron in public. It's clear from the way you tried to fend off that beer can in the Astros’ parade that you have no hand-eye coordination. Also you are lacking brain-mouth coordination.
I admit that I have no experience in advising public figures on where and when to show up. But I have commonsense, which your current advisors are utterly lacking.
Please Ted, do us all a favor and stay home. However, I admit that I get a chuckle when seeing someone throw a beer can at you or calls you "motherfucker." Truer words were never spoken.
Please call. I can turn your public image around. I take it back, I won't do it for free, but it'll be the best money you ever spent.
You're a universally hated asshole, Ted. I can help. I don’t want to, but maybe I can keep you from embarrassing all of us as you continually embarrass yourself. I think that’s a worthy goal and remarkably self-effacing of me.
The New Yorker film critic, Anthony Lane, reported about when he went to see the movie version of Mamma Mia. When Pierce Brosnan tried courageously but awfully to sing, Lane said that he held his own hands and stared down at them to avoid confronting the embarrassment. That’s what we do when you appear, Ted.
Oh, and quit laughing when people heckle you, like on The View. You’re making yourself hateful, condescendingly above it, arrogant and clueless. Reportedly, you’re smart. There has been no evidence of that in your public appearances, like, ever. Best not to make any more of them.
Your friend (yeah, I’m as sincere as you are).
George Jarecke
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